Photo by Brooke Lark
It all started back in October 2017 after I watched the documentary "What the health." It really got under my skin. I remember I saw it in the early morning, and the moment it was finished, my husband called me: "Honey, breakfast is ready" He made some eggs with mushrooms and spinach, and I had no problems with either mushrooms or spinach, but eggs...
I just couldn't do it.
Later, like probably most vegans, I watched other documentaries: "Forks over knives, "Earthlings," "Cowspiracy," "Vegan."
To say that it shocked me, it wouldn't give it justice; it scared the living $h^t out of me.
Strangely, it never occurred what impact meat production had on the planet.
It felt like I was living my life, wearing the blindfold and earplugs.
I've found myself in the situation where I went from not thinking about our planet, the impact of fashion and beauty industry, animal welfare, animal testing, water consumption, climate change, forest vanishing, dead zones in oceans, cancer, and diabetes, to thinking about all of that at once.
At that time, I still lived in China, and the only thing I have done for the animals was boycotting the Yulin meat festival, which I thought was the most awful, cruel, disgusting thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Later, when I watched "Earthlings" and other documentaries with the videos from slaughterhouses, I realized that it was the Yulin meat festival all over again. Instead of torturing dogs and cats, we tortured cows, pigs, chickens - farm animals, how we call them.
My world was turned upside down, I had to do something about it.
I made the executive decision to stop consuming animal products.
I was lactose intolerant, so dairy was out of the question a long time ago, and all I had to give up were eggs, meat, fish, seafood, honey.
And to be honest, it was very easy for me. I was astounded at how easy it actually was. I didn't have cravings, not once. Moreover, when 6-8 months later, I tried "the impossible" burger, it felt so real to me that I almost immediately felt sick to my stomach.
Though I made many mistakes on my journey, I still think it was worth trying.
The first mistake was my attempt to convince and convert everyone I knew to become vegan, and you can imagine how that went. Not so well. There were a lot of fights, misunderstandings, and denial; things were getting personal. People you care about suddenly don't want to listen, don't want to try to understand, don't even care.
Looking back, it was all on me; I was the one who started fights and told "my truth" to everyone who had ears to listen to it. I was so cocky, stubborn, and intolerable, I just wanted every person I knew to become vegan, and if they didn't do that immediately, then efff them. Not very nice of me, I know.
The second mistake was not being flexible.
My husband and I went to Denmark.
Denmark is a beautiful country, but most restaurants have zero vegan options. I mean zero. We went to a stunning place called Skagen, and I remember us going from one place to another, just to find out that the only vegan options were coffee or vodka. I was so hungry and so angry that I ended up crying and ruining otherwise a good day for everyone. I was so stubborn about it; I didn't want to give up my beliefs even a tiny little bit. It's 2020 now, and we both still remember that experience.
I mean, we barely discuss how beautiful Skagen was, but we still talk about my breakdown. Not very thoughtful or flexible of me, I must admit.
And my third and the most harmful mistake was that I haven't done proper research before going vegan and didn't consult any nutritionist or doctor. I didn't calculate or even thought what my ratio should be like, my micros and macros... I just WENT vegan, you know.
I felt my absolute best for the first 6-7 months; I had tons of energy, slept well, my digestion improved tremendously.
I was happy about my decision; I felt good about myself, I lost 5 kg (11 lb) I was thriving.
And then suddenly, I wasn't feeling so great anymore.
First, it was my hair. I was losing my precious strands every time I washed it. Then it got worse; at some point, I was afraid to go outside on a windy day, jokes aside.
I cut approximately 10 inches off, changed all haircare products to more natural ones, had thinning hair treatments done; nothing helped.
Then it was my skin. I got acne. I was 32 when my skin went from "I had never had a pimple even as a teen" to "I have so many pimples that I cannot even count them" They were painful both physically and emotionally. And they were all over my face, neck, and ears. And trust me when I say it happened overnight because it did. I woke up one morning covered in cystic acne.
Of course, first, I thought it was an allergic reaction on a new skincare product, maybe I didn't clean my makeup brushes well enough, perhaps it was stress or the lack of sleep.
I tried to find the problem elsewhere. I searched the net, asked questions on forums, and at that time, I believed that it was my body reaction; I was detoxing, and all those pimples were nasty toxins coming out.
I treated myself for 2 months—anti-acne ointments, even cleaner diet, raw foods... prayers.
Words of appreciation go to my husband because he was so patient with me when I acted like a crazy person.
Finally, I decided to go to the doctor, I went to the dermatologist, and he told me that I had adult acne. He suggested to check my blood and run some tests. So as I was already in the hospital, I decided to go all way in. I checked all vitamins and minerals, hormones, protein, food sensitivities, E V E RY T H I N G. My results were 18 pages long.
Basically, it showed that most of my vitamins and minerals were a complete mess; I lacked Vitamins A, all vitamins of group B, D3, I had Zinc, Iodine, Calcium, and Iron deficiency.
My hemoglobin was too low, testosterone, and cortisol too high. And yeah, I was that Vegan everyone makes fun of - the one with protein deficiency, I had constant inflammation in my guts and numerous other stuff that was f@cked up.
Before I went vegan, I had tons of digestive problems. I was cramping after most of my meals, I was frequently constipated, bloated... It was pretty bad, but it was "my normal" since I was 17.
I got diagnosed with IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) at the age of 18. So, unfortunately, a lot of food was out of the question long before I went vegan.
I am allergic to soy. Pea protein, all legumes, cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli, Brussel sprouts give me the worst stomach cramps.
As a new vegan, I must admit, I didn't have that many options.
I ate tons of sweet potatoes, mushrooms, veggies, greens, fruits, nuts, seeds, nut butter, oats, quinoa, pasta, rice, coconut, olive oil, etc. Mostly carbs and fiber, but apparently not enough proteins. So after I got my results, I decided to make some changes.
For the next 6-7 months, I tried to keep my vegan lifestyle, implementing food reach in protein, taking tons of vitamins and herbs (I've done that before too, by the way, I love my supplements ) and stayed optimistic. Still, unfortunately, that didn't have any impact on my skin.
I continued shedding, it got worse and worse. And saying goodbye to my locks was as painful and tragic as to watch another pimple coming out.
Anyone who has ever had acne could understand that - every night for 9-10 months, I was waking up in the middle of the night just to go to the bathroom and check if the cream/lotion/tonic/ointment that I applied worked. I honestly believe if I could have just relaxed and let the issue go, maybe it wouldn't take me that long to recover. Who knows? But I was so stressed and self-conscious that it made my problems even worse.
It's been 14 months or so since I went vegan, and at that time, due to my husband's work, we had to move from China to Denmark and then later to the USA. As I said, being vegan in Denmark was not easy, so as being vegan in China.
But America is an entirely different story. With all the choices.
I couldn't believe my eyes at first. When we went to the "Whole Foods." There wasn't just one type of Almond Milk, there was like ten. Sweetened, Unsweetened, Vanilla, Original......, and different brands too. Rice milk, macadamia, oat, coconut, cashew, pistachio, hazelnut, walnut, are you kidding me?
I loved being vegan in the US.
Unfortunately, time went by, my skin didn't improve, neither as my hair or my mood. I went to the hospital and once again checked everything. I had the same issues with hormones, vitamins, minerals, protein...
And nothing really improved, not a bit.
My physician suggested implementing animal proteins as the only solution that would help me. And first, I was angry with that suggestion, but eventually, I gave up.
The day had come, and I made the most challenging decision - to eat eggs and fish again. It was hard, I felt like I am betraying what I believe in, I felt like a fraud like I wasn't fighting hard enough, all those speeches I gave to my husband about ethical eating, and now what?
It was bizarre at first, and the worst part, I was feeling so guilty and ashamed. I apologized to the chicken and fish I was eating. Sounds insane, but I really felt that bad. I had and still have a strong ethical connection to veganism. So, yeah, it was tough.
But then I told myself what I've heard in one of the Vegan documentaries. Those were the words of Hippocrates: "Let the food be thy medicine."
How could that fish or that egg help me if I only felt guilt by eating it, if I just swallowed it without actually tasting, like it was a poison, not food?
So I relaxed and let myself just be.
It was wellbeing on the line, and I was doing it for me. In those circumstances, and at that time, it was the right thing to do.
It took me another 8-9 months to get my hormones, micros in place. It is better now. Not ideal, but better compared to how it was.
I eat 80% of the time plant-based. I don't want to call myself vegan or vegetarian or pescatarian or whatever. No more labels, thanks.
I admire and support all vegans, and I hope eventually I can find a way to eat plant-based again. I am researching and experimenting with different plant-based food that doesn't upset my stomach.
I believe in Karma and in "do no harm."
I believe that we all can do better and that eventually, we all understand that eating plant-based is the right thing to do.
For us, for the planet, for animals.
P.S. Please take this article as an experience of one person. It's not a vegan or non-vegan propaganda. I am not convincing anyone to be or not to be vegan.
We all can choose for ourselves what life to live.
Photo by Edgar Castrejon
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